Judgement Day, May 21, 2011

This Saturday will feature clear skies, summer like temperatures

 and a thunder-truckin' earthquake that will shake the dead from

 their graves and leave them jumbled on the ground like litter

 It kind of bites that the beginning of the end

of the world falls on a weekend!!!!

May 21, 2011 is the Rapture, the day when

 all humans living and dead will be accepted into

 heaven or left to perish in months of fiery doom on

 earth. Why May 21? Because this

Droopy dog of a buzzkill says so:

So, what should you wear this Saturday to ring in the Eschaton?

I would suggest perhaps a tank top or light-colored cotton short-sleeve shirt for the morning. Flip flops are acceptable, if you're comfortable looking that casual in the streets. A dominant area of high-pressure will assure that the air stays piping warm, perhaps as high as 77 degrees. No need for an umbrella as the day looks rainless.

From there on, though, it gets complicated. Here's the festering buffet of lousy weather that Camping is predicting for sinners who are stuck on earth for the next few, final months of 2011:

Deathquake

A colossal earthquake will strike at 6 p.m. in New Zealand. Not 6:01 p.m., not 5:55 p.m., but right on the hour. Camping says he plans on watching this on TV. The tremor will roll around the earth, dislodging bodies buried for thousands of years as it travels. According to the Family Radio website: “The remains of all the believers who have ever lived will be instantly transformed into glorified spiritual bodies to be forever with God. On the other hand the bodies of all unsaved people will be thrown out upon the ground to be shamed.”

Recommendation: Liquid-proof boots would be a good accessory.

Ozonestorm

Camping says the Day of Judgment will be accompanied by the heavens passing away “with a great noise.” No heavens presumably means no ozone layer, the sheet of atmosphere keeping out UV rays.

Recommendation: If there is still a CVS standing, now would be a good time to purchase bottles of SPF 70.

Foreverfire

Tremendous waves of scorching heat and fire will obliterate everything and everyone left on earth this very October, says Camping. The weather will be worse than the Smithsonian Folklife Festival in July. And don't expect any of those water-misting cool-down tents; they'll probably be the first thing to go up in flames.

Recommendation: Nothing to do about this except pray. Actually, it would be too late for that at this point. Enjoy your Friday!