NEW EMPLOYEMENT RULES

SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of
sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor,
you are able to come into work.

SURGERY Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee
 here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having
 anything removed. We hired you intact.
 To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year.
 They are called Saturday and Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees
to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
 involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for
 the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through
 your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early,
provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH This will be accepted as
 an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice to
allow time for you to train your own replacement.

TOILET USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
 In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
 For instance: All employees whose names begin with
 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with
'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your allotted time,
 it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap
 their time with a co-worker. Both workers' supervisors
 must approve this exchange in writing.

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets.

At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.

LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need
 to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get
30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the
 time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE It is advised that you must come to work dressed according
 to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing
 we will assume that you are doing well financially
 and therefore do not need a payrise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day

The Management